A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, "you do God?s work." The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.

A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused to pay, saying, "you protect the public." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.

A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, "you serve the justice system." The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut.

A man wanted a big, ferocious dog to protect his business, so he visited a kennel that specialized in attack dogs.

The man explained to the kennel owner that he wanted the biggest, meanest, most vicious dog in the kennel, and the owner offered to take the man on a tour of the premises.

After they had been walking for a few minutes, they came upon a large dog. He was snarling loudly and biting and clawing at the cage.

"He looks like he'd be a pretty good attack dog," said the buyer.

"Well, he's not bad," replied the owner, "but I have something better in mind for you."

They continued walking around the premises, and after a while they found an even larger, meaner dog than the first. He snarled at the two men and tried to bite them through the wire on his cage.

"Ah," said the buyer, "This must be the dog you were referring to earlier."

"Well, no." said the owner. "I have something better in mind for you."

The men continued their tour. Eventually, they came upon a fairly large dog that was lying quietly on his side, licking his butt. He did not seem to notice as the men approached.

"This is the dog I had in mind for you," said the owner.

The buyer was flabbergasted.
"You're joking!" he exclaimed.

"This dog seems quite tame; he doesn't act at all like an attack dog at all. Heck, he's just lying there, licking his butt!"

"I know, I know," said the owner. "But you see, he just ate a lawyer, and he's trying to get the taste out of his mouth."

How do you keep a lawyer from drowning?

you take your foot off his neck.

How do you stop a bus-load of lawyers from plunging to a fiery wreck at the bottom of a cliff?

Who cares?

and my favorite:

why do lawyers wear neck-ties?

to keep their foreskins from popping up over their heads.

Q. What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
A. One is a bottom-dwelling scum-sucker ... and the other is a fish.

LMAO

--Too funny you guys...though there is only one lawyer i have respect for, his name is Musaf Muhammed...he was my mothers lawyer when she had to battle her former employer over slander...he was awesome...but, thats the only one...

Jack and Mugs, two second-story men from Flatbush, were comparing notes on recent burglaries.

"Didja get anything on that last heist?" Jack asked.

"Nuttin' at all," Mugs admitted. "Toins out that the guy that lives there's a lawyer."

"Jeez, ain't that the breaks," his friend sympathized.

"Didja lose anything?"

Why God Created Lawyers

Satan was complaining bitterly to God, "You made the world so that it was not fair, and you made it so that most people would have to struggle every day, fight against their innate wishes and desires, and deal with all sorts of losses, grief, disasters, and catastrophes. Yet people worship and adore you. People fight, get arrested, and cheat each other, and I get blamed, even when it is not my fault. Sure, I'm evil, but give me a break. Can't you do something to make them stop blaming me?"

And so God created lawyers.