I thought I would just drop by to say hello to the very few people that care about me.

Since I have been gone for one month only three people have made the attempt to contact me to see how I have been doing, Little whip, Tex and Adventure dude. To those three I thank them for caring enough to drop a line and to Little whip a special thank you for the uplifting phone calls she has made in an effort not to just see how I have been doing, but to actually give me support while I have been going through the worse depression I have ever had.

I feel as though I am losing my mind, my meds that I have been taking for years now, for some unknown reason, stopped working. Tomorrow I have an appointment with a Shrink to discuss a change of meds to get me back on track. The feeling I have been experiencing is like I am alone trapped in the bottom of a well, doom and gloom are my only feelings. I can't really remember the last time I laughed, for me this is very unusual, as I laugh a lot or use to anyway.

I am really disappointed that I mean so little to everyone else here that I could disappear and only three folks cared about it. I guess my expectations of the community were unreasonable, and truthfully, I do know that "expectations are future resentments" I should know better than to expect anything from people that I really do not know. So the blame is on me from expecting better from the community, not on the community itself. A good reality check can be a good thing, even if it does hurt like hell.

Hopefully the change of meds will snap me out of this and I will start enjoying being alive again instead of dreading each day. I look forward to waking up and looking at Colleen and having the joy I use to have on awakening instead of the feeling of how much of the day I will spend crying about small things, to be able to concentrate for more than a few moments at a time will be a joy that I miss; right now any subject deeper than what is on TV will send me into a crying jag, I just hate this confused and scattered daily torture I have been living.

This roughly 6 week period has dragged on and on and feels like six years, not the six weeks it has been.

I would not wish this kind of mental and spiritual mess on anyone, it's just that bad.

I hope all of you that read this are well, I bear no ill will towards any of you.

MM