America has problems, but America is NOT THE PROBLEM!~
Published on November 14, 2006 By Moderateman In Fiction Writing

He stalked into the bar, not walked, stalked, you took one look and knew "trouble" had arrived.

He smiled, it was the kind of smile that NEVER reached his eyes, his eyes looked dead, no sparkle, no twinkle, flat, much like a great white shark.

He picked a spot at the bar and drilled a hole for him to sit at, his look said "move or die".

The bartender looked pensive as he decided to serve him instead of asking him to leave, as every fiber of the barkeeps soul screamed.

You could smell musk in the air as women, whom he always had this effect on, started to get wet.

He stood with his back to the bar, trying to decide what would bring him the most pleasure, crushing someone, or fucking one of the lounge lizards.

The space around him widened, men stared at their drinks or their women, making sure to not make eye contact with him, even by accident. Somehow the other males in the room knew this man was looking for something, or someone, they wanted to make sure they were not the ones that set him off.

He was not a big man, tall but skinny looking, many men were fooled by this, as a closer look showed he was wire and whipcord, hard muscles, deep shadows covered his face, knuckles on his hands showed scars from battles fought and won.. and lost, he did not lose often. His eyebrows showed scar tissue from stopping to many punches, his teeth white, so white they hurt your eyes.

He looked to be in late 20's maybe early 30's, hair pulled back into a ponytail that fell into the middle of his back.

Finally he ordered a drink,"do you have milk" the barkeeps eyes widened as he poured the stranger a tall glass of milk, before the bartender knew it, he opened his mouth and said " kind of funny drink to order in a bar" The stranger smiled and reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a baggie filled with Oreo cookies, slowly he unwrapped the cookies and reverently dipped one into the milk, put it into his mouth and sighed with pleasure.

The bar started to come back to life, someone dropped some money into the music machine and a soft song started to play.

He walked over to one of the women that was sitting with a few other women, stopped and said "dance?" She shook her head no, saying my man is in the bathroom and will not like to see you dancing with me. His demeanor changed as he said to her "I understand" and stalked away.

He really did not walk as much as glide. He was supremely graceful as he moved.

Suddenly as a snake striking he spun on one heel and stalked out of the bar.

The whole bar breathed a sigh of relief. the night went on as the stranger walked over to his scooter, kicked it once and drove off.

I would appreciate some constructive criticism please.


Comments (Page 1)
2 Pages1 2 
on Nov 14, 2006
Excellent description, only criticism would include a minor formatting. A couple of line breaks before the request, as it initially seemed part of the story.

He stood with his back to the bar, trying to decide what would bring him the most pleasure, crushing someone, or fucking one of the lounge lizards.


nice... (well, you know.)
on Nov 14, 2006
First off, I like it. I love the descriptions you used. I could picture him quite clearly from the image you evoked. What was surprising and a nice touch that spinned the story differently was the milk and oreo cookies!!

I agree with Nicky about putting in line breaks and paragraphs so the story runs better. Yes, you have spaces and paragraphs but I mean where the flow of the story is concerned so that it flows better in the readers mind.

Other than that Elie, great job!
on Nov 14, 2006


I like your characters Elie, they are always so MASCULINE. Yum. 

Your sentence structure could be better in some places, but that's not a big deal.

Example...
Finally he ordered a drink,"do you have milk" the barkeeps eyes widened as he poured the stranger a tall glass of milk, before the bartender knew it, he opened his mouth and said " kind of funny drink to order in a bar"


My suggestion.

Finally, he ordered a drink. "Do you have milk?"

The barkeeps eyes widened. He poured a tall glass of milk and spoke without thinking. "Kind of funny drink to order in a bar."

When an author uses the words "that" or "had" they are almost always unnecessary....and the sentence is sharper without them.


you took one look and knew "trouble" had arrived.


How about...you took one look and knew trouble arrived?


Like I said....little things that are really no big deal.

What I liked best was the vivid image. I can see this guy, tall with a pony tail, scarred knuckles, eating cookies and milk! hahahahaha. I'd dance with him.



 
on Nov 14, 2006
NickyGNovember 14, 2006 13:15:22


(Citizen)foreverserenityNovember 14, 2006 13:29:48


(Citizen)Tova7November 14, 2006 13:36:50


thank all of you LADIES, for one reading, and two the constructive criticism. I think I understand what I should aim for.

Glad the image of the man came through, and happy that I surprised you with the spin.

MM smiles as he gets ready for doctor appointment.

later!!

kisses and hugs for the three of you.

Elie

on Nov 14, 2006
I'm not qualified to critisize.

But I read the thang and I liked it!   
on Nov 14, 2006
Heh, heh...Oreos...I love that twist.

As for criticism...don't think I have anything to add to what the others said.

This is very good, in my opinion...I really think the oreo thing just made the story...you expect a bar fight and you get oreos...genius!

~Zoo
on Nov 14, 2006
(Citizen)ShovelheatNovember 14, 2006 15:53:53


I'm not qualified to critisize.

But I read the thang and I liked it!


as much as I like your stories, you are more than qualified. Plus I respect you.
on Nov 14, 2006
(Citizen)Zoologist03November 14, 2006 15:57:47


This is very good, in my opinion...I really think the oreo thing just made the story...you expect a bar fight and you get oreos...genius!


yep I tried to set it up to look like a barbrawl, then switch it to something totally unexpected. Glad I succeeded. thank you.
on Nov 14, 2006
I dont want to criticize!  I loved it!  You still got it!
on Nov 14, 2006
(Citizen)Dr. Guy November 14, 2006 17:29:33


dont want to criticize! I loved it! You still got it!


but doc, constructive criticism helps me, when delivered with that in mind. I want to learn. Unlike the liberals here I do NOT KNOW EVERYTHING. heh heh heh
on Nov 14, 2006
I like that you've built this character up to be really tough yet he is a milk and cookies man who rides a scooter. Well done.

As for criticism, I have nothing more to add than what has been already pointed out.
on Nov 14, 2006
The set up and twist were brilliantly done. I like it.
on Nov 14, 2006
(Citizen)dynamasoNovember 14, 2006 20:53:09


I like that you've built this character up to be really tough yet he is a milk and cookies man


thanx for reading and commenting maso. how ye be mate? Been a while since I have seen dat mug. hope all is well.

elie
on Nov 14, 2006
MasonMNovember 14, 2006 20:59:23Reply


The set up and twist were brilliantly done. I like it.


wow!! I nebber been called brilliant before.. thankee

pet soc for me.
on Nov 15, 2006
---I like that you've built this character up to be really tough yet he is a milk and cookies man who rides a scooter. Well done. ---

I liked that part, too.

You had me in your story I was wondering what was going to happen at the end. Didn't figure him riding away on a scooter.

I have no criticism on your story or any story. I'm not qualified. When I can write as good as some stories in here then maybe, but until then I'll just enjoy reading them.
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