Who Decides?

Published on June 1, 2006 By Moderateman In Personal Relationships

You are having a heated argument with an acquaintance, a disagreement of sorts, suddenly party A says "hey you hurt my feelings" Party B' Says no I did not!

I always thought it was up to the party that had his feelings hurt to decide if they were hurt or not.

How can anyone say "I did not hurt your feelings" when Party A made it very clear indeed they were hurt.

Who's decision is it to decide about hurt feelings? The one that claims there feelings were hurt or insulted or the other party in this case party B who is NOT INSIDE Party A head, who does not feel what Party A felt?

When someone tells me I hurt them I might not understand why they are hurt or insulted, but then again I am not in that persons head and I do not have a clue how that person feels except for what they tell me. I apologize even if I do not understand what's the big deal, It must have been a big deal or else why would Party A say he was hurt or insulted?

If asked to apologize you can do one of two things, apologize if you think the other person is worth keeping around, or not apologize even knowing you might have this person annoyed enough to kick you to the curb. It all seems very black and white to me. What say you folks?

Comments (Page 1)

Moderateman

on Jun 01, 2006

forum fling

Adventure-Dude

on Jun 01, 2006

It's always an interesting scenario when such things happen. For me I find a good discussion takes place. Often times it's a matter of expecations or a misunderstanding that leads to the feelings being hurt.

Dr Guy

on Jun 01, 2006

Very astute. I do try to understand why, but in the end, if that is not forthcoming, and I WANT to keep their friendship, I do appologize. Explanations are good. Appologies are never out of style.

Gimpyone

on Jun 01, 2006

if someone tells me I hurt their feelings, I believe them and apologize. It is not up to me to decide how they should or should not feel.

Moderateman

on Jun 01, 2006

2 by Adventure-Dude
Thu, June 01, 2006 5:03 PM

but if it is you and your feeling are hurt or you feel insulted, is it up to the other party to decide if you are insulted or hurt?

Moderateman

on Jun 01, 2006

#3 by Dr. Guy
Thu, June 01, 2006 5:06 PM

When someone tells me I hurt them I might not understand why they are hurt or insulted, but then again I am not in that persons head and I do not have a clue how that person feels except for what they tell me. I apologize even if I do not understand what's the big deal, It must have been a big deal or else why would Party A say he was hurt or insulted?

Very astute. I do try to understand why, but in the end, if that is not forthcoming, and I WANT to keep their friendship, I do appologize. Explanations are good. Appologies are never out of style.

that's what I thought doc, exactly what does it TAKE AWAY FROM ME to say I am sorry? Nothing is the answer.

Moderateman

on Jun 01, 2006

4 by Gimpyone
Thu, June 01, 2006 5:07 PM

if someone tells me I hurt their feelings, I believe them and apologize. It is not up to me to decide how they should or should not feel.

exactly michele, I cannot decide if I hurt you, that decision is up to you.

Dr Guy

on Jun 01, 2006

that's what I thought doc, exactly what does it TAKE AWAY FROM ME to say I am sorry? Nothing is the answer.

As a child I was accused of not being able to utter those words. I was accused a lot. But as an adult, it detracts nothing from me (I was a slow learner so it took me awhile), and adds a lot to my personal interaction.

Moderateman

on Jun 01, 2006

#8 by Dr. Guy
Thu, June 01, 2006 5:13 PM

it shows respect for the other persons feelings, and shows how evolved you are.

Locamama

on Jun 01, 2006

I agree. If someone tells you you hurt their feelings, you did. It doesn't mean you intentionallyhurt their feelings. And like you said if you care about that person and value the relationship, you will apologize and try to make it better and not repeat the offending behavior.

Adventure-Dude

on Jun 01, 2006

but if it is you and your feeling are hurt or you feel insulted, is it up to the other party to decide if you are insulted or hurt?

no I am saying that it is party a that decides.

There are rare cases where people just want to have a reason to be mad at you. It happens. But if you can find the reason for their hurt like I said it is usually a failed expectation or misunderstanding.

Moderateman

on Jun 01, 2006

10 by Locamama
Thu, June 01, 2006 5:42 PM

agree. If someone tells you you hurt their feelings, you did. It doesn't mean you intentionallyhurt their feelings. And like you said if you care about that person and value the relationship, you will apologize and try to make it better and not repeat the offending behavior.

from the responces so far it looks like the one hur or insulted has the valid feelings, while the one accussed of hurting still has not a clue about what the other oerson says.

thank you for your opinion

Moderateman

on Jun 01, 2006

11 by Adventure-Dude
Thu, June 01, 2006 5:44 PM

the injured party is the only one that knows for sure if they are injured or not. You got it by Jove.

Sure I would not expect your feelings to get hurt if I called you :buttface" but if you said it hurt I have no choice to believe you/ My choice comes in if I want to say I am sorry or not and that's all on me.

Tova7

on Jun 02, 2006

I don't like to accidentally hurt anyone. So I would apologize.

I admit though, if its a subject I am passionate about, it may take me a day or two.

Moderateman

on Jun 02, 2006

14 by Tova7
Fri, June 02, 2006 11:45 AM

don't like to accidentally hurt anyone. So I would apologize.

I admit though, if its a subject I am passionate about, it may take me a day or two.

see knowing this about you would make it ok, I can wait.. but if you just came out and said "I OWE YOU NOTHING" that would hurt.

I am one of those guys that sometimes need a moment to calm down, colleen found out that giving me that moment makes the difference between a knock down drag out, and a calm discusion of differing ideas.

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